Early one morning, while on vacation in northern Minnesota, I woke to the shrill blast of a train whistle in the distance. My mind registered the rumble of the giant wheels on the track, then all I wanted was to snuggle deep into my pillow and go back to sleep. As I drifted back into my dream world, I heard them. My eyes opened and I listened to the familiar voices of wolves.
They chased the train to the city limits and stopped to cry out their dismay over the inability to catch something so much bigger then themselves.
I closed my eyes and listened to their fragile lonely calling, as they spoke a language older then man. I felt as if one in particular asked me a question. One voice reached through the gray morning light, and asked me something, I know every writer at every level has asked themselves at one time or another. The question loomed up on me slowly like a canoe on a lake as the paddles softly caressed the water.
When would I recognize my pursuit of publication was fruitless?
My father is a Boise Forte Chippewa and taught his children the importance of a wolf’s voice. They are the symbol of strength, family and loyalty. I asked him why in those moments it hit me like that. He said it was because I was close to my ancestors in those wolves’. That they were talking to me, forcing me to look inside myself for the first time in a long while.
I’ve been a member of RWA for ten years, writing seriously for five, really getting serious in the past two. I’ve had requests for partials and a full but nothing ever came of either, other then valuable lessons. Which I took to heart, and improved my writing, strengthened my voice and found the direction I really wanted to go.
When is it time to know publication just is not going to happen? Will I recognize it and quit? Or will I continue to chase after something I can’t catch.
I love to write. I love to write anything, whether it is working on my WIP, or just writing for the blog. I love the process of writing. Not to have it in my life, where it really occupies a large part of who I am, seems unimaginable. There would be nothing left but a big empty black hole drifting in my spirit.
After deep examination of my soul, I asked myself what I want, what I expect, and decided to put a time limit on my pursuit. At least that’s what I told myself, as the memory of the whistles blast echoed, followed by a searing sad cry of the wild.
I’m not sure I can hold up to my own internal promises, as I howl out a long story of dismay. I love RWA, the friends I’ve found there, and most importantly writing.
I’ve placed my time far enough into the future, where I might just forget to quit. I just hope I’ll have the strength to continue the chase until I catch the train.
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10 comments:
You should never quit or give up on something you really, truly want.
But maybe you need to try another approach. Maybe you should try submitting to some of the smaller publishers and epublishers. It can sometimes be the boost you need to get noticed by the bigger pubs.
There are dozens of established, stable smaller pubs out there. Try Wings ePress, The Wild Rose Press, Highland Press, Samhain... The list goes on and on.
If you can get in at one of the smaller places, you'd gain experience working with an editor and promoting your book.
Experience like that might be just what you need to get one of the big pubs to take a chance on you.
not bad advice, anon.
Lee, since running (as in chasing trains) is fabulous exercise, I suggest you keep on keeping on. And when you catch it? Well, ma dear, the stakes get higher, and then you begin chasing a different train. :)
I agree with anon... Don't quit! And I say this from personal experience. I did quit for quite a few years when "life" happened to me. But then I realized that all that time I wasn't writing, I wasn't very happy.
If you love writing (and you must after 10+ years) and can't imagine NOT doing it, then DO NOT QUIT! Maybe the goal is not catching the train. Maybe it is the journey to catch it.
Enjoy the journey!
Lee, I can tell by what you've written on your blog you will never quit...you can't, and published or no, you will always write.
It's a matter of time and timing. ;-)
Frank McCourt made his first sale with Angela's Ashes at age sixty-four. That book was not his first...so keep them all under you bed and when you do hit, pull them out dust them off and be prepared to ask "So, do you like this one? Or this one?"
Keep the faith!
Thanks everyone for so much support..I don't think I can quit. I'll always listen for the train and run after it. Like the wolves, I just don't know when to quit. And as Karin said, it changes. It will turn into a big fast bullet train, and hopefully I'll be in shape to keep up.
My birthday is approaching. Not a milestone one, just a numbered one. Deep in the night I ask myself if I'll catch the train. Just as I wake up with heart beating fast, I remind myself, 'yes I will'. Because to write is to live, to live is to write.
The fear and self doubt, is part of the process...We all have to go through it to catch the train as it speeds ahead.
I've spent so much time chasing that train that some people's entire lifetimes have passed in interim since I began. Yet every time I think I will put doen the pen or step away from the keyboard, something about the process fills me with such ineffable joy that I feel transported. I know you feel that, too, Lee.
To have spent more than a decade in the process means that this is your gift -- and whether you take "anon's" advice, or you just keep on writing for yourself, or you keep sending those manuscripts out to get that feedback and learn those lessons -- doesn't really matter. It's not like there's really a choice here. This is the gift you were given, the talent you were blessed with, one many would give their lives to have for themselves. If the running with the train sometimes get to be more arduous, that is I think part of how you tell you are still alive and still trying. And, yes, you are aiming for publication, but I think Evan Fogelman, a fine literary agent, said it best: "Whether or not you are ever published, if you have completed even one book, you are a writer, and don't let anyone tell you anything different."
Hang in there, Lee. Sometimes the trail is just a bit rougher than at others. Know that you are not alone, and that your "pack" is with you.
Lee,
Great post and lots of good advice. Writing is in your blood and the wolves voice was the proding you needed to validate yourself and the desire to continue this journey. You will catch this train and then began the chase to that fast bullet.
You are a aweseome writer and you time will come. You are succesful in your writing because you write.
Lyn
Thanks again to everyone, for the support as I continue to chase that train, crying out into the wild, and hoping I'll catch it.
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