Fear Falling

After two years of grieving for her husband, who had died of cancer, my friend, Sherry, decided it was time to come out of the dark and return to her first love, art.

A very talented photographer and artist she combined the two, in unique prints. She decided to take it a step further, to sell her work, having her first show and display in a sidewalk art sale.

She was a nervous wreck.

As I helped her set up. I watched her hands shake, as she fumbled over her display. When potential customers roamed by, she broke out into a sweat.

Drawing in a deep breath, she turned to me and said, “I feel so exposed. So very vulnerable. I’m hanging my heart out here for strangers to examine. I’m terrified. I need courage in large doses. I feel like I'm fear falling.”

Oh, how I know the feeling. Writing is not any different.

The first time I sent a full to an agent, who requested it, my hand shook as it poised over the send key. I had to shut my eyes, take deep breaths. It took long moments. I got up and walked up and down the hall, forced myself back in the chair to click, what I viewed as the most important click of the mouse in my life, as my heart turned into frolicking circus acrobats.

I clicked. My finger jumped up and down as it rattled with nerves. I felt sick when the confirmation of the e-mail came back.

I was there.

My first emotional response, I wanted it back.

When an artist, be it, writing or any other form of artistic endeavors puts their work out to the public, they expose the very essence of the soul.

As authors, our deepest feelings go down on paper. Some of it is lighter, others reaches into the depth of darkest part of our being to play in the devils chambers. No matter the writing, story, genre, or sex, it is the artist’s heart exposed. We’re on paper, either in emotional context or in the story, by way of the characters.

Those characters are often loved ones, or acquaintances never forgotten, to live on in print. My husband warns, "Its not wise to piss off a writer."

The trespasser could easily end up on paper for all to see in the most unfaltering way, forever.

Even entering a contest can be nerve racking. Wondering if the judges will like the story at all. Always fearing, some unknown person assigned a number will put too much personal opinion into the process. Or will the scores reflect the real value of the work? Which can also be dangerously close to heartache. One never knows. You have to have faith, and send it off, and wait as you hold a long breath.

As Sherry asked for courage, I knew she had it already, because she was there, shaking sweaty hands and all.

There are so many talented people out there, who don’t put forth their work publicly, or attempt to send it off to an agent or enter a contest. They hold back from the world often times incredible beauty out of fear of rejection.

Sadly, rejection is a big part of the process.

The agent who terrified me, rejected my work. The good thing, I got an encouraging rejection letter. One that complimented my effort, and offered sound advice. It was just what I needed to boost my lagging ego, giving me the drive to move ahead, improve where I could make my work better. Which in the end was what I really needed more then I wanted an agent.

Affirmation is invaluable.

Suddenly, I felt worthy of the artistic world of writing.

At the same time I got back my scores from the Golden Heart. They weren't great, but not too bad either. I drew in that deep breath and knew I could do this. I had a path to follow, and was hell bent on staying on it. Putting one foot in front of the other.

For Sherry, her first art show was a great success. She sold many of her prints, book marks, and cards. After seeing her display, a local store owner is now in discussions with her, about selling her work. And the art commission approached her about doing a show.

Just think if she had not taken the huge leap of faith, put her heart out there, and exposed her very soul. All those beautiful prints would be locked away in her camera, or on her computer, hidden away from the rest of us.

Writing is hard work. And it’s often times terrifying to take the leap of faith. Just close your eyes , listen to your heart pounding like a drum corp, put your toes over the edge, and slowly lean forward into a fear fall.

Lee