Are we really listening?

I am constantly working on balancing my family, writing and job. Last week the job won out over the family and writing, I had a three day conference for work. The conference was about improving leadership skills and based on the principles found in the book Good to Great by Jim Collins. We were learning about the obligation to dissent and how to apply listening and coaching skills.

I was surprised that while this was a work conference that I was once again able to apply these skills to my writing and family as well. My work has made a commitment over the last couple of years to guide its leaders on how to be “Great” leaders. Every time I leave one of our conferences I find myself not only being a better leader but an even better mother and writer.

I am thankful that I work at a company that not only encourages us to speak our mind but it is our obligation to do so. It’s about the process of putting the rigor around our solutions so that even if your idea or thoughts don’t change the direction you can understand the why and contribute to making it successful. We even upgraded it that while we may get behind that decision in the beginning; we may waver along the way and have concern and again it is our obligation to speak up and say we need help. Wow, that sounds like a great plot with good conflict. Once again able to apply what I learned to the other love of my life; writing.

What this really boils down to me is, are we being heard and is everyone listening. I don’t know about you but I often find myself reading email while on the phone or watching TV with one eye. I am not really listening to my co-worker, family or friends because I am trying to do too much at one time. How about when you are cooking dinner and the kids want to talk, and the dog is barking are we really listening? Sometimes yes, it is much easier for me to talk and cook on a weekend when it at a more leisure pace and we are doing the cooking together. Monday through Friday is all about getting the food on the table so homework and weekday chores can get done. I also find it hard sometimes to talk and drive, especially in heavy traffic. So I share with my passengers in the kitchen or the car that I need to focus on what I am doing and ask if we can talk later. I am not living in the moment then and maybe I will miss out on their passion around the topic if I delay. It helps with safe driving and not having a burned dinner but could I handle it differently?

So I am taking the skills I learned last week about encouraging that obligation to dissent and speak up with what’s on your mind. We did a session on active listening. What I found to be most important is that listening doesn’t mean solving? How many of you just want to vent about a problem but don’t need someone to solve it. So next time my kids talk I am going to practice these skills. I will recognize the moment is now and maybe I should pull off the road for a few minutes or detour to a restaurant for dinner so they are my focus. I am going to paraphrase or reflect back to them what I heard them say. I am going to ask questions along the way without interrupting or disrupting the flow. Not only to help me understand what they are saying but also to help them probe their feelings more.

I am going to practice this in my writing. The heroine is expressing her feelings early in the relationship to our hero and he paraphrases or reflects back to her and gets it all wrong; or he doesn’t do either and goes straight to solving her problems. Perhaps part of his growth is learning how to listen or perhaps learning to apply his good listening skills he uses in business to his personal life.

So while I had a week that was unbalanced, the things that I learned will help me in the areas that really matter; my family, writing, personal and professional relationships. I will try to live in the moment and really listen to those around me. I know I won’t be perfect and will have to dissent to myself that I could do better and give myself permission to fail. Life is full of second chances and if we don’t take them we will not grow and become better people. So I’m going to try to listen and encourage the voices inside myself and others that need to be freed and heard.

Lyn Emerson, Vice President
March 25, 2007